Symptoms

The other day my family and I were in Liverpool on a surprisingly sunny day for Britain. We were sitting on a park bench near a busy street as we ate our lunch and enjoyed the sunshine. Just then a bus pulled up to the light and stopped in front of us, and I was a bit startled to read the sign on its side.

The sign asked three questions:

‘Bleeding bottom? Lumps under the skin? Persistent cough? If you have these symptoms, you need to see your General Practitioner immediately.’

Now this is not exactly what you’d like to see when eating your lunch. I pointed out the sign to my daughter Alexa who thought it slightly strange that I would actually be pointing out such a sign to her. But then as we talked more about it, the imagination went into overdrive.

I can imagine a few different potential scenarios that could emerge as someone reads this sign on the side of the bus.

1. A person reads the sign and says, “Why, yes, I have a bleeding bottom, and I have lumps under my skin. But thank God, I don’t have a persistent cough! Whew! Luckily, I’m fine. That was a close one. No need to see my GP! I can finally get on with my life….”

2. A person reads the sign and says, “What? Wait a minute! Yes, I have a bleeding bottom, lumps under my skin, and a persistent cough. But until just this minute, I thought everybody had those symptoms! Are you telling me that this is some kind of a problem? I thought it was normal! Dear God, I had better get over to my GP as soon as possible!”

3. A person reads the sign and says, “Yes, I have a bleeding bottom, lumps under my skin and a persistent cough. Had ‘em for years. But I don’t need anybody telling me what to do! Screw you, jerks—I’m not going to see my GP just because some sign on a bus tells me to do it!”

4. A person reads the sign and says, “Why yes, I have a bleeding bottom, lumps under my skin and a persistent cough. It’s made my life a living hell! 3rd pair of pants I’ve ruined today! I’ve even thought about going to see my GP about these symptoms, but the NHS health care system is so bad in this country I’ll probably die before I make my appointment. Forget it. What’s the point?”

And the irony of it all is, they say Americans don’t understand irony. To me, if someone has a bleeding bottom, lumps under their skin AND a persistent cough, wouldn’t they figure out by now that they are seriously messed up? Does someone actually need to put that kind of a sign on the side of a bus?

Are people seriously that stupid that they wouldn’t realize that having a bleeding bottom, lumps under the skin and a persistent cough just might mean they are in a really bad way already? The very second my butt started bleeding, I would drop whatever I was doing and shove my way ahead of everybody in the doctor’s waiting room. If I had lumps under my skin I’d be finding out where the doctor lived and pay him a visit at his house after hours.

I guess a persistent cough isn’t so bad though…